An attempt to help myself

Sometime last friday morning a friend of mine took his own life. For whatever reason this man whom I have known for almost thirty years choose a path that leaves untold sorrow and pain in its wake. In recent years we were not as close as we once were. Our families were at different stages: mine growing into adulthood, his still children and teenagers.

I suspect that the relationship was also in some way a victim of the Celtic Tiger. I ignored the boom for the most part, seeking spiritual growth and enlightenment at a time when he was deeply embedded in the construction bubble that eventually burst. So the two families drifted apart except for birthdays and special occasions. My wife and I being Godparents to one of his children. My daughter babysitting once in a while and maybe taking on the role of a big sister on Bebo and by text.

I am left to wonder if had I paid a little more attention to the world beyond my mind would I have been able to say or do something that might have made a difference. You see no matter how many times you read about how it is not our fault, when it smacks you in the face you react just like everyone else. You ask the same questions of yourself, you feel the same sense of disbelief and delude yourself into thinking that you have the power to save someone, if only in hindsight.

The only way I could have helped is to have known. And I didn’t. I didn’t know the recent history of this man’s life. The ads are running on TV telling us to talk to someone. They are directed at teenagers and show the anguish of friends at their own inability to help someone who simply won’t talk about the problems they face. I know I was available. I know I would have listened with love and understanding. I know I would have helped… had I known. But I didn’t.

That I didn’t is down to the awesome responsibility of freewill. Freewill is an oft misunderstood gift from God. A God whose creation flows in a particular direction and with which flow we are invited to get in touch. Invited, not forced because it simply doesn’t work that way.

My current understanding of life tells me that death is not something we should be afraid of but neither is it something we should bring upon ourselves. The span of our lives is determined by our souls purpose and it is therefore for our soul to determine when that purpose is served or to decide that that purpose is no longer achievable in this lifetime. Given how unaware the majority of human beings are, it is probably wiser to leave the span of our lives to the circumstances of our lives.

My friend is no more. Yet all relationships continue at the level of the soul so in that sense there is no time and place, only experience. We will share time and space again even if we don’t recognise each other and in that I find comfort. But in the meantime there is the week ahead. There is the emotion of loss, of anger, of deeply felt pain. For those closer to him then I was, those whose daily lives have a terrible hole in them, the weeks will be months and the months will be years. My fervent hope is that they will not suffer in silence or go softly into the night but that they will scream their pain loudly so that we all can hear, and listen, and never have to say “if only I had known, maybe I could have helped”.